Monday, February 7, 2011

Tears in my eyes...

I hesitated to make a blog entry tonight. This has been an emotional evening. For those of you who haven't heard, Julia had a feeding tube placed around noon today. She has been stoic all day and that brings back memories from the early days of our cancer journey. It was a slap in the face reminder of Julia's high pain tolerance. She held herself together quite well for most of the day, but the past couple of hours have been more emotional. She's doing all that she can to be still and not move her tummy area. I think I finally got her relaxed and resting comfortably for a while. It could very well be a long night ahead.

I'm probably rambling, but this definitely helps to get things out of my mind. It's like I tell my students...and Julia quite often lately...that we have to do whatever we can to get our emotions out. It sometimes hurts to cry or to talk about what's on your mind, but we just gotta do it. Maybe journaling and listening to relaxing music on the iPod with Julia is what's going to help tonight. It's rather deceiving to be listening to music that one would hear at the spa, then look up and see your child hooked up to tubes and wires and whatnot. I think a real day at the spa sounds pretty awesome right now!

Please do not feel bad for us right now... Just lift us up in prayer and love, like you've been doing all along. I think I just need a little extra boost this evening. I look forward to the peace that I know that you all will bring as I go to bed tonight.



Anonymous said...

We love you Mandy. you are always on our minds and in our hearts. I wish we could be there to hold you and rub your back and tell you everything will be ok. Just know we are with you always and only a phone call away. We love you so much, Grandma and Aunt Debbie.

Duane said...

Mandy -- Mom and I fully understand your concerns.
In fact, everyday I recall the peaceful, calming feeling that I experienced several weeks ago when I visited Julia at the Children's Hospital of Minneapolis.

Although Julia's fever was at 102+, she welcomed the back rubs and temple massages. The weekend was the closest that I ever felt to Julia. It made me remember those precious moments of quiet time holding an infant-Amanda, infant-Jason and infant-Jon....Please let Mom and I know if you need our presence; we will be right over! -- Dad

Anonymous said...

Oh, Amanda, as a mother of a child who has watched her endure much too much for an 11-year-old, I feel exactly where you are at right now. Thank you for sharing your feelings and I hope that journaling helped ease some of your pain last night. We think of your family often. Please let Julia know that Carina and her family are thinking of her. It's not an easy road to be on with our children, but the strength that Julia shows you will amaze and inspire you each day.
- Jill

Anonymous said...

We are always praying for Julia and the rest of your family. Lillie now says the part of our prayers about Julia...she asks all the time about her.

Sending lots of prayers & love your way,
Joe, Thia, Lillie & ?

Aunt Cheryl said...

Taken from "Wind Beneath My Wings"

Did you ever know that you're my hero,and everything I would like to be? I can fly higher than an eagle,'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Your posts are sincerely powerful and truly show your parental love!
I continue to pray for strength with Julia's continued fight. Feel my hugs and much needed love.
~Aunt Cheryl~

Plummer Family said...

You are such a strong and comforting mother. Julia is so lucky to have you. Keep your head up, God will heal this wound along with all the others. No feeling is ever silly or small. You're feelings matter to Him no matter what they may be. Lifting you up.

Candace P.l

Anonymous said...

I hope Julia is feeling better today. We miss seeing her beautiful face at Westside. You all are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Stay strong!

Amy Hafeman
Phy. Ed. teacher